Life was so much easier back then. Im really over this whole "being an adult" business. I dont want to make decisions anymore. Choices that can effect the rest of my life. I want my parents, or SOMEONE to do it for me. I told my mom today that i hate making huge decisions life this, and she said "this is the rest of your adult life" She said this is what life is all about. Making huge choices. When my mom was my age, she choose to get married, which is a HUGE decision when you are only 19. I can't imagine. I just dont handle decision making well. Though i have been discribed as a decisive person, i just fear huge decisions like this one because i over think everything to the point where i stress out and lose sleep and dont eat.
Its really never been this bad before. I mean nothing is definiate. There is nothing as of now that i can decide that i cant change. My mom says there are only 3 choices in life that you absolutly can not take back. A marriage, a crimincal record, and your virginity. Its quite profound really.
I just dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to live real life as an adult. I want to go back to being a kid and just stay that way for a while.
all i want to do right now is let out one big
UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
October 15, 2007
October 10, 2007
um..what?
I was reading an awesome verse last night when i was doing my devos in John chapter 10, the parable of the Shepard and the sheep. I read something really interesting that i was like hm, i need to look this up further. I went to the library today to look at the many commentaries there are about John. The first one i picked up, i read and it confirmed the things that i thought about this passage. I picked up 2 other commentaries, and they both said totally different things from the first one, and from each other. When it comes to biblical passages, how can a person come up with more then one meaning? Shouldn't Gods word be consistent and universal and have the same meaning to whoever reads it? How should someone know what to believe to be true if passages say different things?
Just a thought...
Just a thought...
October 7, 2007
and that, my friend is what i call closure
This weekend was a lovely weekend in new jersey. I got to hang with the garbowskys who are amazing and i missed them so much. Except i didn't see greg which i hope i would. hes is doin his thang. I got to also see Daniel which was awesome. I was super stoked to see everyone from evangel. I didnt really get to hang out with them but i got to talk to them for a while. Jen and mike weren't there but maybe next time.
It was extremely awkward in evangel today though. I walk in and its like i dont even notice anyone anymore. I know its a big church, it always has been been, but at least i knew a lot of the faces. Now i dont know anyone. It seems like all the regulars dont even go anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own home. A new young adults ministry started too, last week. I tried going but i just couldnt do it. Unless you were a part of the upper room crowd you should stop reading right now cause you wont know how i feel-
Its like, being replaced. Nobody likes that. I (we) all took such pride in the upper room. Pastor Walter was amazing and so hardcore.. We grew so much as a worship team and as a ministry. We all grew as friends too. Some friendships will never be forgotten or replaced. To just start up another ministry like this hurts me so badly. I walked in tonight and stayed and just left. I couldnt do it. Besides the fact that so many people from school go there. It was so weird. I love people from school, dont get me wrong, but seeing people from school at my church..on my stage doing worship....peoople who dont even go to evangel in a leadership position i guess kind of bothers me. Its just so weird how things change. One of the biggest things for me was being at school on a sunday night knowing that upper room was going on without me. The same thing with evangel on sunday mornings..knowing my crew i hung out regularly would hang out without me after church...but life goes on. I finally have full closure of me being where i am right now. I know im not missing out on anything back in jersey anymore. I mostly miss the people in church and not the church.
....so it goes.
It was extremely awkward in evangel today though. I walk in and its like i dont even notice anyone anymore. I know its a big church, it always has been been, but at least i knew a lot of the faces. Now i dont know anyone. It seems like all the regulars dont even go anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own home. A new young adults ministry started too, last week. I tried going but i just couldnt do it. Unless you were a part of the upper room crowd you should stop reading right now cause you wont know how i feel-
Its like, being replaced. Nobody likes that. I (we) all took such pride in the upper room. Pastor Walter was amazing and so hardcore.. We grew so much as a worship team and as a ministry. We all grew as friends too. Some friendships will never be forgotten or replaced. To just start up another ministry like this hurts me so badly. I walked in tonight and stayed and just left. I couldnt do it. Besides the fact that so many people from school go there. It was so weird. I love people from school, dont get me wrong, but seeing people from school at my church..on my stage doing worship....peoople who dont even go to evangel in a leadership position i guess kind of bothers me. Its just so weird how things change. One of the biggest things for me was being at school on a sunday night knowing that upper room was going on without me. The same thing with evangel on sunday mornings..knowing my crew i hung out regularly would hang out without me after church...but life goes on. I finally have full closure of me being where i am right now. I know im not missing out on anything back in jersey anymore. I mostly miss the people in church and not the church.
....so it goes.
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